just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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