The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
