I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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