So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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