im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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