His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
