Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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