I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
me + whiskey = a bad person
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.