I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
You work out of a Hotel?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He did a backflip because drugs
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
