If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
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