cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
