I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
