You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
