ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
So vagazzling was a success
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
