ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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