Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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