Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
