the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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