cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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