Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
