i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
