Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
