i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
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