I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
