So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
