I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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