It's like a parade of train wrecks.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
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It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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