My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize