She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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