If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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