Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
