just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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