and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
