I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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