I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
