My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
