3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
