why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
