I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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