Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
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We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
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I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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