can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
