She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
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i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
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Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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