I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
