1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
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Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
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I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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