You're a womanizer and a bitch.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
