I need to stop coming to work sober
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
