i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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