I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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