We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
