My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
