Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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