I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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