history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
