I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
