u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
