would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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