why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
