The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize