Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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